Like Most People, I Have Wanted To Punch A Stadium Mascot
But I Didn't Do It Because Society
On June 12, 2023 boxer Conor McGregor actually punched out "Burner," the Miami Heat mascot during an ill-conceived promotion during Game 4 of the NBA Finals.
McGregor was out of line, and fortunately no one was hurt. Punching mascots isn’t OK, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get it.
Years ago a colleague from Cleveland gifted me a pair of his (now) Guardians tickets. A friend joined me to see my beloved Kansas City Royals.
We drove from Buffalo, enjoying a beautiful drive down the eastern shore of Lake Erie. Our seats were first row, behind the Royals dugout. I sipped Burning River Pale Ale and enjoyed a hot dog with the special Progressive Stadium mustard. It was nice.
My guest, being the man of style and substance that he is, wore a Royals cap.
It was an hour or so before the game and the Guardians mascot "Slider" (who looks like an infected pustule, BTW) wandered over, removed the Royals cap from my friend’s head, and pantomimed (how shall I put this . . .) using the Royals hat in the way one would use toilet tissue.
This rather churlish behavior raised certain emergent issues of social etiquette.
Like any citizen of Royals Nation, my immediate impulse was to jump the waist-high fence and pummel "Slider" (or "Hemmorhoido" or whatever the f@#$) into a shallow grave.
Such behavior could, however, have been fairly regarded as unnecessarily aggressive, despite the clear provocation.
I knew that the use of lethal force, under Ohio law, is permissible only when confronted with deadly physical force creating an imminent danger of death or serious injury, not some walking STD desecrating the pride of the American League Central.
So my companion and I smiled and laughed like good sports as I quietly provided a detailed narrative of what I would be doing if my sense of loving kindness toward all beings was less evolved.
I doubt "Blistero" or whatever followed any of this due to his painful skin lesions and genital warts. Still, I've moved on. I guess.
Here is my point: all of us, at some point, have really wanted to lay out a stadium mascot. We don't do it because society.